Late last night as I sat on the couch trying to stay awake as I nursed, I was pondering if I was a “good” mother or not. At the time I was tired, hungry, I had to pee, my arm was asleep, and was feeling a little sorry for myself, sad to say.
They say everyone has at least one thing that they are good at. If that’s true, I’m not sure that I have ever found my “thing” yet.
In school I was able to maintain a 3.85 GPA without really trying. I’m sure that had I made an effort I could have had a 4.0 or close to it, but it was never that important to me. There were no specific subjects that I excelled at.
Art is something that has always interested me since childhood. Even now I still draw, paint, and color, among other things. My work has always ben rather pedestrian. I have never created something that has made anyone say, “Wow!” or “That’s amazing!” I have never made anything that anyone has wanted to display, other than just to be nice to me. I have not yet posted any of my art on here yet, mostly because I am afraid of the negative feedback I might get.
Writing has always been an interest, as well, although I have never achieved anything beyond mediocrity, other than an essay that won a scholarship in 8th grade (so thank you, my few generous followers for following me).
I studied French for seven years and spent a summer in an immersion program in France. I never felt confident in my speaking ability and never achieved fluency. Now it has been so long since I have been able to converse with anyone in French that I have lost much of what I learned.
While I try hard at work each day, I couldn’t be considered an expert at my job. I enjoy it (to a certain extent), it is a challenge, and I learn something new every day, but I don’t think I would be considered “good” at it.
This lifelong sense of mediocrity scares me. Perhaps maybe I have never truly made a full fledged attempt to excel at something before. I have always been the shy, quiet type who never wanted attention on me… have I always unintentionally stayed average? What if I will never be “good” at something, only destined to be “OK” at a lot of things? What if this also holds true to my ability as a wife and mother too? I don’t want to be just “OK” at these two pursuits. I want to be looked back on as being a great wife and mother some day.
It is a lot to think about. I don’t have an answer, but right now there is a little girl who thinks I am pretty awesome and that makes me feel good. I am going to work hard every day so that she always thinks so. Maybe this my “thing.”